Thoughts From Phyllis Diller

  Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own
age.  As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
 Cleaning your house while your kids are still
growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
 A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The reason women don't play football is because 11
of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
 Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
 A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
 I want my children to have all the things I couldn't
afford. Then I want to move in with them.
 Most children threaten at times to run away from
home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
 Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an
argument, a bank has just been robbed.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said,
'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
  My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor .